Unexpectedness

It always amazes me when and where my soul will require attention. And by require, I mean: RE-QUI-RE! Last night Jason and I were watching Everything is Illuminated staring Elija Wood. It started out funny and quirky - all the good components for a good movie. And it was a good movie, I thoroughly enjoyed it. However, there is a scene at the end (which I might have to spoil a little since it won't make sense if I don't, but I'll try not to give away any details if you haven't seen it and plan on watching it) that demanded I grieve that I wasn't expecting.

A dear friend from my childhood and into college took his own life this past month. I hadn't talked to him in a few years, but he was one of those people that I always thought about and cared deeply for. In this scene I am referring to, this happens. And it's not expected - you don't see the person contemplating - they just come out and BAM - show it. One small glimpse, I didn't even have to see the full shot - and I spun into a full 5 minutes of wailing. I have never experienced this kind of thing before - the uncontrollable, unexpected, getting-dizzy sort of wailing. But, apparently my soul needed to grieve a little more than I had allowed, and wouldn't let me choose when or where.

Matt - you were such an amazing person. You had so much potential and ability. You were too much like me that you needed a lot emotionally. That's why we never would have worked. But you were one of my best friends, even if only for a little while. You listened and comforted when no girlfriend of mine would. You had a huge heart but just didn't know what to do with it. I'm so angry at you for what you did. So angry. Why?! I know you were just trying to make everyone else hurt just a fraction of how you've hurt for them, but you're stupid for doing so. So stupid.

A light at the end of the tunnel

It begins. I went to my first meet-and-greet counseling appointment yesterday. I have one more today and one next week at which point I will elect one lucky lady to figure me out.

I must say that even a small 30 minutes of nothing more than an introduction has lifted a small weight off my heavy shoulders. There is a light at the end of my very long dark tunnel and I can begin to see that some day: hope. Even the reassurance that my little monsters are not as little as I tend to categorize them as and that they are not perhaps one ominous bubble of my being wrong or unwanted spilling over into every area of my little life. I'm curious to find out what is really going on in this pea-brain of mine.

In other news: today is the last day in my life of being 25. I'm climbing over the hump tomorrow and on my way to 30! Also, I have begun a new blog here: http://devonpamela.blogspot.com/ because I keep wanting to write things in this blog that are not meant for the this blog.

Lists

Things I Love:

Late evening walks
Rose' on summer days
Plants
Soy ice cream
The ocean
Tropical places
Mid-afternoon cocktails
Snow
Gardening
The first signs of spring
Drinking Pina Coladas on the beach
Grocery shopping
Dressing up
Wine tasting
Sunshine
The color green
Fine cuisine
Animals (specifically: dogs and horses)
Hiking
Berry cobbler
Picnics
Bicycles
The smell of outdoors
Margaritas
Zoos
Making lists
Cooking
Fish
All things art
My husband
Aquariums and zoos
Beer Festivals
Flowers
Chips and Salsa


Things I Do Not Love:

Getting my oil changed
Rhododendrons
Bra shopping
Long chilly springs
Hangnails
Hairy hair traps
Bees
Eye boogies
Weeds
Sunny Christmas days
My car
My scattered nature
Zits
Flying in a plane
A messy kitchen
A disobedient dog