Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Innie or Outie?

Jason questioned me the other day asking if I considered myself an extrovert or an introvert. After taking many-a-Myers-Briggs tests throughout college and thereafter, I had always considered myself an extrovert for a few reasons:

1. I don't need a lot of alone time, rather I go a bit mad
when I am alone for too long of a period

2. I thrive on the company of others and really
enjoy being with people

3. To fully process something going on in my life,
I need to discuss and get the opinions of
just about everyone around me.

4. I really don't think I have enough self
confidence to be on my own.

5. I scored "extrovert" on the test.

However...lately when in a group I am tending to shut down a bit. Now, the "group" I am referring to has itself claimed to be difficult to have a voice in. But, I don't fight for a voice. Well, I take that back. I fight pretty hard and then just give up and don't try again. It's rather frustrating. Especially when I am so longing to connect with these people and haven't exactly had all the free time in the world to do so one-on-one and no one will listen to me and then I feel like a weirdo when someone finally asks my what I said and it has no relevance at all. So, I am left not connecting and feeling rather frustrated. And therefore feeling that I am not wanted, considered, or cared for. Which in all my wrestling am trying so hard to defeat those feelings of self worthlessness.

But, it is a bitter struggle I might say.

So, I am still left questioning if I am truly an innie or an outie...what are you?

P.S. What is with spell check on this gosh darn thing? How did a misspelled "relevance" get nothing close but lavender???

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Wrestling the Beast

I am a girl.

I hate things about myself.

But lately, I have been really struggling with being ok with myself. Love is a little too far to stretch at the moment.
I would even settle for like.
Or complacency.

Does everyone feel this enraged, this utter misery with oneself?

I hate the way I look.
I hate my face
I hate my body.

I hate my sensitivity
I hate my anger
I hate my tongue.

I hate my art
I hate my words
I hate my hands.

I hate my laziness
I hate my wallowing in self-pity
I hate that I am writing a list of all the things I hate about myself!

There has got to be something else going on. What is it? Why do I wake up and look at myself in the mirror every morning and decide it's just a better idea to not look at any reflection for the rest of the day.

You can't just say it's hormones, can you?
I can't just believe it's society's influence of what's "perfect" or not.

I have struggled with this my entire life. I'm too large, I'm too plain. I'm too ordinary, too un-special. How I am supposed to believe that God loves me just the way I am if I don't even like myself? How is my husband supposed to want to be with me and get excited on his way home from work that I will be there if I don't even want to be there with me?

Sometime I just feel a little hopeless...

One could argue here that I am not happy because I am not done growing.
But that's just bullshit.

So, I will cast this out into the great cyber-abyss and say:
"I want to be better."

And then a glimpse of hope peers through the dark clouds and I remember what I do have, what I do love:
This beautiful changing of the seasons
My wonderful, loving husband
Friends (who have actually not stabbed me in the back*)
Ice Cream.

So, here goes another day.

*This has actually been a very difficult thing for me to wrestle with: these friends that love me and see things in me that no one else has ever seen. Every single one of my close friends in the past (no, I am not exaggerating here) has betrayed me, hurt me so deeply, or left my high and dry so to say. I cannot say that I am at the point of trusting fully again. Constant feelings of "they don't really like me" or "they don't really need me" or "they have each other and obviously like one another better, so why would they ever really like me?" thoughts are constantly popping up in my head. I try my best to see the truth, but ask for patience as I learn to really trust again.

Just please don't hurt me.
There would be nothing left in me after that.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Seasons of my soul

Help, I have done it again.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is there's no one
else to blame

Be my friend.
Hold me
Wrap me up.
Unfold fold me,
I am small
And needy.


Friday, September 5, 2008

Heart Matters

Little bird, I envy your flight.
So free, so light.
Flying anywhere you please.

Little tree, I envy your rigidity.
So resilient.
Your branch breaks and you grow back.
You grow stronger.

My heart aches and wants nothing more than understanding.
Oh, for it to be wrapped up and protected.
To make its own cocoon.
Nurtured, tended to like a new garden.

That it may blossom, spread its beautiful
big wings and be lovely.

Oh, temper. That you may set sail
and leave my shore.
Let you be no more than a distant
silhouette on the horizon.

Soul, where is your resiliency?
You demand more than you are offered,
taking more than asked.
Leaving no room in you for otherness.

Betrothed to this soul I could not choose
Bestowed a heart I could not protect.
Given a well that my eyes cannot contain.

My branches are broken
my wings are torn.

How I wish to fly and grow again.