Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Wrestling the Beast

I am a girl.

I hate things about myself.

But lately, I have been really struggling with being ok with myself. Love is a little too far to stretch at the moment.
I would even settle for like.
Or complacency.

Does everyone feel this enraged, this utter misery with oneself?

I hate the way I look.
I hate my face
I hate my body.

I hate my sensitivity
I hate my anger
I hate my tongue.

I hate my art
I hate my words
I hate my hands.

I hate my laziness
I hate my wallowing in self-pity
I hate that I am writing a list of all the things I hate about myself!

There has got to be something else going on. What is it? Why do I wake up and look at myself in the mirror every morning and decide it's just a better idea to not look at any reflection for the rest of the day.

You can't just say it's hormones, can you?
I can't just believe it's society's influence of what's "perfect" or not.

I have struggled with this my entire life. I'm too large, I'm too plain. I'm too ordinary, too un-special. How I am supposed to believe that God loves me just the way I am if I don't even like myself? How is my husband supposed to want to be with me and get excited on his way home from work that I will be there if I don't even want to be there with me?

Sometime I just feel a little hopeless...

One could argue here that I am not happy because I am not done growing.
But that's just bullshit.

So, I will cast this out into the great cyber-abyss and say:
"I want to be better."

And then a glimpse of hope peers through the dark clouds and I remember what I do have, what I do love:
This beautiful changing of the seasons
My wonderful, loving husband
Friends (who have actually not stabbed me in the back*)
Ice Cream.

So, here goes another day.

*This has actually been a very difficult thing for me to wrestle with: these friends that love me and see things in me that no one else has ever seen. Every single one of my close friends in the past (no, I am not exaggerating here) has betrayed me, hurt me so deeply, or left my high and dry so to say. I cannot say that I am at the point of trusting fully again. Constant feelings of "they don't really like me" or "they don't really need me" or "they have each other and obviously like one another better, so why would they ever really like me?" thoughts are constantly popping up in my head. I try my best to see the truth, but ask for patience as I learn to really trust again.

Just please don't hurt me.
There would be nothing left in me after that.


mme. bookling said...

oh honey...

i have no idea how everyone feels, but i certainly can relate your feelings.

i just want to say hang on, hang on while you persue feirce in guarding yourself from those enemies of thoughts. hang on to the trees and harley and jason and ice cream.

and no matter what happens with any realtionship, i see you as a force of a woman - full of amazing things to offer anyone in your path.

-B. said...

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned this... but I would like to know you. that is all the courage in me at the moment.

Devon said...

Dear -b.,

Thank you for that courage. You have no idea how I needed it in this very moment. I would be open to knowing you too.

With love,