When soul is present, nature is alive

"When people observe the ways in which the soul manifests itself, they are enriched rather than impoverished. They receive back what is theirs, the very thing they have assumed to be so horrible. That it should be cut out and tossed away. When you regard the soul with an open mind, you begin to find the messages that lie withing the illness, the corrections that can be found in remorse and other uncomfortable feelings, and the necessary changes requested by depression and anxiety" - Thomas Moore, Care of the soul

Hmm, methinks. Could my soul be acting out because it's not getting what it needs? Soul, are you acting out? What is it then, that you need? Pray tell, for I would love to give it to you.

Oh, so you're not going to make this easy? I see.

Why do you pout? Why do you flare up in anger? What is the cause of such vile self-loathing? I don't think your motive is to destroy your being, but sometimes I think you would find that path easier than the path of illumination. At least give me a hint. Still no? This dance isn't going to be easy to learn, is it?...I didn't think so...

"Is there something in me that is like this pool? Do I have depth? Do my feelings and thoughts pool somewhere so off the beaten path that it is utterly still and untouched? Is there someplace wet in me, not the place of dry intellectualism but rather of moist feeling and green, fertile, shady imagination, far from human influence? Do I find myself in rare moments caught in a place of reflection where I have taken a break for reverie and wonder and there catch a glimpse of some unfamiliar face that is mine? If so, then Narcissus, the cure for narcissism, may be stirring in me...when soul is present, nature is alive." - Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

So, ladies and gents, turns out I'm a negative narcissus. I am focused on self so much, but rather that in love with self, I am in loathing of self. So much so, that it consumes my being. I see my self as one big mass of emotion and quandary. However, there are specific traits if mine that are individual of each other and, may I argue, of myself? So, Moore says I must see these traits objectively and accept them for what they are. My first step, however, is to acknowledge that I have them, I think. I am in so much denial against having anger or a pouty part of me, that I disregard them as even being a part of me. They are rather, a blip in time where I become unconscious of my doings and this otherly part, my evil twin, the devil on my shoulder, whatever caricature she may have takes my mind and body hostage while she acts out in her unlovely ways.

However, are these really traits of mine? Or are they my soul - this otherly part - acting out? Throwing a tantrum like a child - wailing, screaming, rolling on the ground - all for attention? All these questions I am posing to myself, to my soul. I have only become aware that they exist, these questions, this objectivity to one's character. I am still asking, just thinking about what could possibly be an answer. We will see...hopefully.

On one last thought of these passages: I find it very difficult to grasp the idea of loving every part of me - proud of it or not. This notion that I am me, I am not ______ (fill in the blank, or the thousands of "blanks" that I've compared myself to in my lifetime), and I should love or if not at the very least try to accept these traits as a part of me, is a very weird and foreign concept. It goes against everything my perfect-driven mind has ever thought.

Home

Upon entering a peaceful field, golden in the sunlight and waving in the breeze:

I am home. My soul cries out when I am here. It belongs to this place. As I sit in this field of grass, now gold in color by the long days of brilliant sunshine, the only sounds I hear are the sweet chirping of birds, the hum of a passing bee and swaying and popping of the grass. It sounds like popcorn all around me. The heat of the sun, making them burst forth. I smile as my soul bursts as well. Why am I so drawn to fields like this? The golding sea of swaying grass that is almost my height. The breeze that gives them waves, surrounded on all sides by lush trees become the walls to my world. A barn off in the distance that is older than I ever hope to be. Maybe it's the stability - of standing the years so beautifully? Or maybe it's the protection from the outside world? Oh, how I want to run in a long, flowing white dress through this field. I want to race on a chestnut horse. I want to lay bear, feeling the sun beaming down on my skin. I want to swim through these pastures. My soul, I will find here.

I think I love these fields so much because my emotions and mind are not kept so busy by everything else around me. Once I leave these fields and travel into the forests, my mind's eye cannot stop looking, searching, looking, looking!! So that I can stop and hear it speak.

Greetings

Hello, Blog. Nice to meet you. I'm Devon. You will have to forgive my shy tendencies when meeting new people, but I hope to warm up to you rather quickly. Blog, meet my soul (hi). I have great hopes for your future together. You see, my soul needs to do a little more dancing, and I'm hoping that you can help me map out the steps. I'm not very good at dancing right now, but I hope to be flying through the air and doing pirouettes in due time. So, please bear with me as I learn the steps. I will try not to step on too many toes, but I can't learn if I don't bruise a few. So, again: greetings blog, I am very happy to make your acquaintance.