"When people observe the ways in which the soul manifests itself, they are enriched rather than impoverished. They receive back what is theirs, the very thing they have assumed to be so horrible. That it should be cut out and tossed away. When you regard the soul with an open mind, you begin to find the messages that lie withing the illness, the corrections that can be found in remorse and other uncomfortable feelings, and the necessary changes requested by depression and anxiety" - Thomas Moore, Care of the soul
Hmm, methinks. Could my soul be acting out because it's not getting what it needs? Soul, are you acting out? What is it then, that you need? Pray tell, for I would love to give it to you.
Oh, so you're not going to make this easy? I see.
Why do you pout? Why do you flare up in anger? What is the cause of such vile self-loathing? I don't think your motive is to destroy your being, but sometimes I think you would find that path easier than the path of illumination. At least give me a hint. Still no? This dance isn't going to be easy to learn, is it?...I didn't think so...
"Is there something in me that is like this pool? Do I have depth? Do my feelings and thoughts pool somewhere so off the beaten path that it is utterly still and untouched? Is there someplace wet in me, not the place of dry intellectualism but rather of moist feeling and green, fertile, shady imagination, far from human influence? Do I find myself in rare moments caught in a place of reflection where I have taken a break for reverie and wonder and there catch a glimpse of some unfamiliar face that is mine? If so, then Narcissus, the cure for narcissism, may be stirring in me...when soul is present, nature is alive." - Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul
So, ladies and gents, turns out I'm a negative narcissus. I am focused on self so much, but rather that in love with self, I am in loathing of self. So much so, that it consumes my being. I see my self as one big mass of emotion and quandary. However, there are specific traits if mine that are individual of each other and, may I argue, of myself? So, Moore says I must see these traits objectively and accept them for what they are. My first step, however, is to acknowledge that I have them, I think. I am in so much denial against having anger or a pouty part of me, that I disregard them as even being a part of me. They are rather, a blip in time where I become unconscious of my doings and this otherly part, my evil twin, the devil on my shoulder, whatever caricature she may have takes my mind and body hostage while she acts out in her unlovely ways.
However, are these really traits of mine? Or are they my soul - this otherly part - acting out? Throwing a tantrum like a child - wailing, screaming, rolling on the ground - all for attention? All these questions I am posing to myself, to my soul. I have only become aware that they exist, these questions, this objectivity to one's character. I am still asking, just thinking about what could possibly be an answer. We will see...hopefully.
On one last thought of these passages: I find it very difficult to grasp the idea of loving every part of me - proud of it or not. This notion that I am me, I am not ______ (fill in the blank, or the thousands of "blanks" that I've compared myself to in my lifetime), and I should love or if not at the very least try to accept these traits as a part of me, is a very weird and foreign concept. It goes against everything my perfect-driven mind has ever thought.