Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Unexpectedness

It always amazes me when and where my soul will require attention. And by require, I mean: RE-QUI-RE! Last night Jason and I were watching Everything is Illuminated staring Elija Wood. It started out funny and quirky - all the good components for a good movie. And it was a good movie, I thoroughly enjoyed it. However, there is a scene at the end (which I might have to spoil a little since it won't make sense if I don't, but I'll try not to give away any details if you haven't seen it and plan on watching it) that demanded I grieve that I wasn't expecting.

A dear friend from my childhood and into college took his own life this past month. I hadn't talked to him in a few years, but he was one of those people that I always thought about and cared deeply for. In this scene I am referring to, this happens. And it's not expected - you don't see the person contemplating - they just come out and BAM - show it. One small glimpse, I didn't even have to see the full shot - and I spun into a full 5 minutes of wailing. I have never experienced this kind of thing before - the uncontrollable, unexpected, getting-dizzy sort of wailing. But, apparently my soul needed to grieve a little more than I had allowed, and wouldn't let me choose when or where.

Matt - you were such an amazing person. You had so much potential and ability. You were too much like me that you needed a lot emotionally. That's why we never would have worked. But you were one of my best friends, even if only for a little while. You listened and comforted when no girlfriend of mine would. You had a huge heart but just didn't know what to do with it. I'm so angry at you for what you did. So angry. Why?! I know you were just trying to make everyone else hurt just a fraction of how you've hurt for them, but you're stupid for doing so. So stupid.

1 comment:

mme. bookling said...

i am proud of you for allowing yourself to grieve - and i love this about culture(art, movies, books) it penetrates our walls...and makes us honor our soul.

here's to matt...because it's a loss for you, it's a loss for all who love you.